Anonymous love

Engineering  and  mathematics  go  hand  in  hand.  But  amusingly  that's  not  the  case  with engineering  students.  And  the  universities  in  India  seem  to  be  in  love  with  these  subjects much  of  which  is  total  waste  of  energy.  Sometimes  some  good  occurs  amidst  all  the negatives.  But  here  it  was  not  just  good  but  beautiful  too.  To  cut  the  chase  short  ,  it  was  due to me,  being weak in maths, made me realise that I could be in love with someone.  Mumbai  university  has  always  had  a  thing  for  maths  3  subject  in  our  second  year  of engineering.  And  people  then  suddenly  realise  that  the  joy  and  merry  ride  to  engineering  is going  to  take  a  turn  for  the  worse.  Barely  escaping  the  embarrassment  of  KT  in  maths  2  ,I thought  it'd  be  better  for  me  to  join  a  class  for  M3(maths  3).  So  I  did  join  a  private  tutor  in vicinity  of  my  place.  I  joined  a  little  bit  late  and  the  people  in  my  batch  were  already  too ahead  of  me  ,  making  an  ever  difficult  subject  more  difficult  to  get  hold  of.  But  I  was progressing  steadily.  That's  the  most  modest  way  to  put  it.  Little  did  I  know  that  there  was going to be someone who was still late to recognize the troubles with the maths subject.  Monsoon  was  knocking  at  the  doors  and  winds  were  going  from  cold  to  colder.  These  things never  bothered  me  because  usually  I  hated  monsoon.  I  was  a  hyperactive  knucklehead person  and  monsoon  is  a  season  for  procrastinators.  Don't  be  judgemental  I  said  USUALLY. It  was  my  third  week  in  classes  and  I  entered  the  class  soaked  in  rain  but  today  sir  told  me  to sit  alone  for  a  moment  cause  I  was  going  to  have  a  company.  I  almost  broke  in  to  a  burst  of laughter  but  the  just  smiled.  It  was  stupid  of  me  to  join  the  class  late  but  I  was  about  to  see  a dumber version of me. The  white  door  of  the  class  opened  and  shrill  voice  filled  with  humility  was  asking  permission to  enter  the  class  and  also  apologising  for  being  late.  ENTER  THE  FAIRY.  I  didn't  bother  to look  up  cause  Laplace  was  already  devouring  my  neurons  like  noodles  in  ramen.    She  did  as instructed  and  sat  next  to  me.    Seemed  like  it  wasn't  her  preferred  position  but  being  in  my batch and late to join she had to make do with my assistance for her maths 3 doubts.  I  looked  at  her  as  I  skidded  inwards  towards  the  wall  on  the  common  bench  that  we  were about  to  share.  Eyes  browner  than  me.  Height  shorter  than  me.  Long  haired  and  face highlighted  by  a  huge  smile  and  no  make  up.  Yup  that's  her  well  I'm  kinda  running  out  of words  to  describe  her  but  all  I  can  say  for  sure  that  I  guessed  her  to  be  honest  and  beautiful. She  had  glasses  which  indicated  that  she  probably  was  a  binge  reader.  She  started  solving her problems one by one and soon caught up to me the next week.  We never  talked  much  except  for  she  asking  maths  doubt.  But  we  did  share  some  light jokes.  All  of  a  sudden  the  same  maths  seemed  to  become  more  interesting  and  before  I knew  it  I  was  already  looking  forward  to  attending  the  classes  every  weekend.  May  be  the maths  was  going  easy  on  me.  Or  may  be  I  was  getting  good  at  it.  Or  may  be  someone solving  alongside  me  was  giving  me  more  confidence.  Whatever  the  reason,  I  was  improving quickly  alongside  her.  The  funny  thing  is  that  it  was  already  two  weeks  and  I  didn't  know  her name.  But  it  didn't  matter  as  I  enjoyed  her  company.  So  I  decided  to  ask  her  next  week  we met. Suddenly the fast and furious weekend seemed to go slower than what it normally does. Well my nerdy mind was still thinking of possible ways of asking her name without making it awkward, trying all kinds permutations and combinations of so called past proven techniques but Monday somehow never wanted to go soon to make way for Tuesday which my much awaited day of M3 classes.
Finally it was Tuesday and I entered the class, not with usual cursing but with anticipation of something good to happen. Anticipation of a beautiful journey to start. Anticipation of a relationship to bloom. There was something usual which was her coming late as always. So I'd have to wait for her to arrive. Well call it laziness or procastination but patience was always my forte. After sometime when the tutor saw me doing nothing he asked me to start with the problems. He further added that from now on I'll be doing these problems alone and that the girl has left the classes.
My heart sank. I dropped my head in the notes trying to comprehend what had happened. The game of predictions began in my head. I even started to find solutions for various probabilities that might have occurred with her to leave the classes. Still I knew in back off my mind that the fact of the matter was that she was never gonna come back. Somehow my heart felt the other way. I was way more optimistic that what an engineer is. Yeah we're trained that in order to make machines one needs to become the machine. Or probably we think too much but we just cannot look beyond the facts.
It was already time and even the little bit of optimism I had was shattered to smitherines. I began cursing myself as to how idiot can one be not to ask the name in two weeks but then a counter thought crossed that may be it was something so beautiful that even names had lesser priority. Anyways in the end I had lost. Lost in the shadows of my own glory of being an engineer. It all ended before it could've even started. 

So Close to love

A  heart so young about to fall in love, that's what I was ,back then. A boy wanting to be loved , that's what I was , back then. Craving for love which is true and pure, that's what I was, back then. And something told me in my mind that it was about to happen.
Starting a new academic year wasn't always so exciting before. moreover I had joined a new coaching classes and hoping to make new friends .I knew it was going to be an awesome year and I simply couldn't wait.
Weeks passed I made many friends , new ones but still no sign of THE special one .
May be it  doesn't work that way.
Or may be it shouldn't be hunted .
May be I should wait longer.
Or may be I was too young for love.
May be I didn't deserve it.
Or may be  it wasn't made for me.
By the term was over I had lost all hopes. My performance was also getting hampered by the thoughts. And suddenly something happened. A new admission. It never happens usually. And a pretty girl too.
I never was good in having a normal conversation with girls. It took a game of stare truth and dare to break the deadlocks. We used to play in the break.
She opted to stay away from us. She was shy. It was about time I took a Dare . I was told to sit beside her an whole hour . apparently it was a big deal for any of small kids to suit besides a girl .
I went there sat beside her. Awkward silence was there standing like a wall between us. I said " well m gonna have to sit here for an hour so let's not get bored and may be start with knowing names .me vrajesh .Hi!"
She turned towards me. I saw her face. And in no time I was lost in my thoughts. Is beautiful enough to describe her ? Is anything enough to describe her? Ain't I the fortunate person to be here. Hair so black and soft it was moving with small currents of monsoon breeze. A nose cute enough to make even babies shy. Dimples forming on her face even if she didn't smile. I was so busy staring. Her that I didn't get her name on her first reply. " pardon " and this time not losing myself I heard her sweet voice bring out her name "Nitanth".
Now I didn't  wanted to move away from her. She on the other hand was shy and maintained a distance from me. so I voluntarily moved away from her. This made her more comfortable. And then the Talking started mostly about studies but I was cunning to make her talk about her hobbies. And then I added mine. Hour was over. Professor had entered the class. I moved towards the side of boys then. The entire lecture I was in her thoughts.
The class was over everyone was leaving. My desk was always shabby. So it took me a while to leave. She came towards me and asked for my notes and I gave them immediately.then she said something which I cannot forget till date " thank you for talking to me , nobody wants to be left alone and so do I . I've always been shy and so I always end up being alone that's why what you did to me was nice of you ". By this time we were downstairs and it was pouring down heavily I opened my umbrella and she didn't have any. Goods were smiling on me. I let her in due do generosity.

Generosity! Huh . I asked her whether I could walk her home cause it was dark already. An expression of bewilderment took over her may be she got where I was going. She rather chose a rickshaw. And the dream was over . she was gone.
Next day she didn't come. I assumed she might have caught cold. But she wasn't there for next two weeks.
I knew she  wasn't coming back. May be it was me and the thought almost killed me everyday. But didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that I lost my love. I didn't want to believe that I was the reason behind her leaving the classes. A broken heart raises a lots of questions. Questions hard to answer .
The rest of term I just spent hoping everyday that for once she would come back. Just for returning the book. Just one more glance one more time so I can indulge in the never ending beauty of her face. Just one more time!

Haunted By Love...

5th June

Alas ! he's not here now .

It happened so fast I couldn't react. There was nothing left for me to do by that time. I thought I wouldn't live to see this. It almost meant the end to everything that I had ever dreamt of. I simply couldn't bear the weight of the fact that now he wouldn't be with me. All those things that I would say to him when he'd hold my hands, when he'd look into my eyes, when he'd hug me and hold me tight in his cozy arms.But Alas!now   he's not here.

All these thoughts are haunting me since he left. But why would it be him.This day ,this time ,this moment, I'v realised that it wasn't he who is responsible for my sadness, it was me.I couldn't tell him the truth.I couldn't tell him how special he was. I couldn't tell him how much I loved him.But Alas! now he's not here.

4th June,

Its been four days since he passed away but still he's in my head and I don't think I'll ever get over him and his memories.His thoughts aren't allowing me to do so .Its like he's there with me, with every breath that I take, with every word that I say and with every moment that I spend without him.But I want him to be with me. Oh God! please tell me why wouldn't You let him be with me.

5th june,

Concerned about me,Jennifer came to visit me today. I told her about how I felt about Kevin, how much I loved him and how guilty I felt when I couldn't be with him when he probably needed me the most.She was trying to consolidate me that its too late now there's no point crying over spilt milk as he's already gone now. But I couldn't tell her that that's what I haven't been feeling. I still feel he's here.

6th june,

Dream! it was just a dream. Its now been six sleepless nights but today I felt him closer to me than ever. Its like he was standing there in front of me holding my hands coming close to my cheeks which were already wet with tears of joy, but instead he whispered something in my ears, something which made me frown at him in astonishment, something I seldomn remember. I'm still thinking did he love me so obsessively or was it I who wanted him to love me so desparately. May be it was I.

8th june,

Hangouts! will they help me. Atleast that's what people around me are suggesting. We went today to the central park. Jeniffer introduced me to a friend of Kevin,Sam .There was certainly something unusual going on with him. He stared at me like he knew me. But who cared! I wasn't there to socialise.Hanging out wasn't helping.

9th june,

Those dreams are getting worse and its something I'm not able to get in my head. They are getting stranger day by day. 'The Same Dream' except for the smile that he is often known for was fading. I couldn't understand why ? I tried to ask him " Have I offended you?" and he walked away in most unpleasing manner. BEEP BEEP and it was just a dream. It was just a dream?

10th june,

Now I'm trying to find sense in these meaningless dreams. I read an article that nothing happens without a reason even when you're dreaming . But  the question is can it be true? espcially when they are recurring. GOD please help me! now I'm chasing nightmares.

11th june,

Today everything is getting clear. These dreams are finally making sense. but can I trust them afterall they are mere dreams which are away from reality. Today he held my hands and gave them into other familiar looking pair of hands. Hands bearing a bracelet with letter K inscribed on it. He wants me to get over him by entering into some new relationship? How easy is that to think but to imply, it might be the next impossible thing for any lover. but hands with bracelet interested me the most those weren't any random pair of hands I remember them seeing recently. But again they're just DREAMS!

12th June,

Revelations was all that was left for me to discover. Things, DREAMS, more specifically weren't anything that was without sense but it really was him. My cell ranged today. Number unknown but voice certainly recognisable. Kevin's friend! He wanted to meet to discuss something important, something that mattered to both of us. but the only thing we had in common was Kevin. I went to cafe where he was waiting already. His eyes were red, and face pale.He looked at me and said "Its wasn't  just you".Those words brought goosebumps in my body .He slowly passed a papper to me and there it was ,the very same bracelet with K on it and the same hand. Is he the one? the one in dream. The words in the letter confirmed it. I read with the same damped eyes as the one who wrote it.The letter read......

"Its always supernatural and impossible, unless it happens to you.But believe, it was really me .These might be my last words to you and may be the hardest to speak ,but for you've loved me like nobody else, I thus say to you MOVE ON"